What drives us towards a change?

Can we really change for the better? If we can, what drives us towards change? The loss of a dear one, a strong model in our life, the disappointment in our parents eyes? Or maybe true love?

We should try more

Recently, I've stumbled upon a piece of news that made me terribly sad and angry. An Oxford student committed suicide by hanging. He was 21 years old, he was bright and friendly but he was overwhelmed by sadness and disappointment. His Twitter profile showed signs of depression. He tried to warn us. He tried to reach for support. How could this happen?

Who is to blame?

How can friends or family members see that their beloved one has thoughts such as: "Who I’d like to meet: God — just to ask him what I’ve done wrong." and not do anything to prevent the tragedy?

How many times did I feel like I had reached the end of the road? How many times did I write about emptiness and despair? How many times did my so-called close ones worry about me? Never. They thought that my behavior was either childish, either temporary. Or, even if they really believed that I didn't find a purpose in life anymore, they still let me fight my demons all by myself, arguing that: "You're strong enough. I know you won't do it."

How can you risk a life just like that? How can you love someone and not take them seriously? How can you judge them by your own mentality? How can you not see when they ask for your help? How can you be so ignorant?

But this is not about me. This is about all those lost souls who desperately try to find something or someone to hang on and nobody gives a damn. This is about all those who are begging for our humanity. Have we really lost our humanity? Have we really died as humans?

There are still some of us who still care, who still try to make a difference, who still love mankind and who still find the time to save lives. Please read this wonderful text and learn from this young man how to save a life.

"Nothing can stop you from turning dust into rainbows, from drying people's tears."
OPEN YOUR EYES! OPEN YOUR HEART! BE HUMANE!

Se varsa octombrie

Plouă octombrie
pe umerii mei goi.
Plouă octombrie
şi mi-e-aşa de frig
că mi-au amorţit gândurile rămase
nerostite.

Inspir parfum
de frunze strivite
sub tălpi însingurate
iar pielea-mi miroase
a roşcove ude
şi-a pământ putrezit.

Toarnă cu semne
de disperare
şi vârfuri de umbrelă.
Toarnă cu vârfuri de umbrelă
iar oasele-mi sunt frânte,
buzele rupte,
şi inima străpunsă.

Se varsă octombrie
pe pieptul meu ruginit.
Se varsă octombrie
şi mi-e-aşa de toamnă
că mi s-au sinucis fluturii
din vene.

Mi-e-aşa de toamnă
că mi-ai murit în pantec
Când peste noi
se vărsa octombrie...

The real question

Where do you go when you have failed each and every one around you?
Where do you go when you have failed yourself like no one else has ever failed you before?
How can you hide this shame?
How can you bear this blame?
How can you expel yourself from your skin?
How can you be somebody else? Somebody stronger. Somebody sunnier. Somebody lighter.

I think the question is not: "To be or not to be?"
I don't think we have the power to choose in this matter.

The real question is: "How can you be when you no longer want to be?"
or
"Who can you be when you no longer want to be yourself?"

Despre ceea ce nu este fericirea

De-a lungul timpului am avut diferite pareri in ce priveste fericirea. Rand pe rand, am crezut ca este vorba de dragoste, pasiune sau familie. Probabil ca toate la un loc formeaza fericirea. Probabil ca toate la un loc, plus micile bucurii ale vietii, completeaza imaginea unui om fericit. Poate ca depinde de la un om la altul. Cert este ca am inteles ce NU este fericirea: prezenta fricii.

Am trait toata viata sub imperiul anumitor temeri care mi-au strivit tamplele de asfalt si mi-au dat sa inteleg ca n-am nicio sansa sa sper la fericire. Pe scurt, in diferite etape ale vietii mele, am trait mereu cu frica de a pierde o persoana iubita. Rand pe rand, am fost paralizata de gandul pierderii respective si nu o data am ajuns chiar sa pierd acel suflet drag. M-am intrebat mereu de ce imi este dat sa traiesc aceasta perpetua teama de a pierde dragostea. Oare eu, cu frica aceasta inoculata adanc in mine inca din copilarie, atrag asupra mea aceste situatii? Oare eu chiar nu mai sunt capabila sa trec peste temerile astea si sa cred in fericire? Sau pur si simplu inca nu a venit timpul?

Am sufletul rupt intre nevoia de a iubi liber, fara temeri, si nevoia de a ma inchide in mine, resemnata. Nu este nimic mai rau pe lumea asta decat a trai intr-o panica permanenta. Nimic altceva nu iti poate frange aripile mai brutal decat frica. Teama te secatuieste de orice suflu vital si de pofta de viata. Teama iti aminteste ca esti mic, umil, trecator; ca nu ai dreptul sa crezi, sa speri, sa visezi. Desi ai acest drept. Ai acest drept la fericire. Si numai dragostea adevarata te poate vindeca de aceste temeri pentru a fi din nou liber sa fii fericit. Cati dintre noi nu asteptam cu incheieturile inghetate acel moment cand vom fi eliberati din coliviile fricii? Astept acel moment cu ultimele licariri de speranta.

Nu vreau sa cred ca singurul meu sens in lumea asta a fost sa inteleg ceea ce nu este fericirea...